The True Story of Humpty Dumpty

In the year 666 on June 6 at 6:23pm, a little boy the age of 12 named Peter was walking down the yellow brick road in the town of Whoville and saw his friend Smarty. “Hello Smarty. How’s it going?” Asked Peter.
Smarty looked up at Peter with a look of evil in his eyes and answered “Not to good” in a deep voice.
“Oh, and why’s that?” Asked Peter with a look of confusion on his face.
“I just pushed humpty dumpty off of a wall and now he’s threatening to sue me!” Proclaimed Smarty in a high pitched voice that sounded like Justin Beiber.
“Why would you push him off a wall?” Peter screamed while angels danced on his tongue.
“Because he called me fat, so I killed his cat, and he hit me with a bat.” Rhymed Smarty.
“Speak of the devil look who it is.” Peter said in a whisper that was just loud enough for Humpty to hear.
“Ha look at him he’s in a wheel chair!” Laughed Smarty.
“You won’t be laughing when you find out what I did to your pet monkey Sprinkles.” Roared Humpty Dumpty.
“It’s Sparkles and if you hurt him I’m gonna…..” Screamed Smarty.
“Shut up I haven’t hurt your stupid monkey, well not yet at least.” Giggled Humpty.
“If you lay a hand on him I swear to God I will scramble you, cook you, and eat you!” Hummed Smarty.
“You can see him if you’d like. Gwabbles!” Called Humpty.
“Yes master Humpty?” Answered Gwabbles, Humpty’s evil assistant from the depths of hell.
“Fetch me the monkey.” Said Humpty.
“Yes master. Here you go sir.” As Gwabbles handed Humpty the monkey.
“Good now get out of my face.” Told Humpty.
“Oh my God what did you do to him?” Yelled Smarty with a girly scream.
“Well first I put a raccoon in his cage, then I personally beat the crap out of the raccoon, I then took the coon out of the cage and ate it, and finally I painted Sparkles pink, took a dump on his head and cut off his legs.” Answered Humpty in a happy voice.
“Oh, okay then. I don’t get the part about the raccoon but as long as Sparkles is alright that’s all that matters.” Said Smarty in a kind voice.
“Uh oh!” Yelled Humpty.
“What? What’s wrong?” Asked Smarty.
“Sparkles just bled to death because I didn’t stitch up the wound.” Humpty bellowed in a sad voice.
“That’s it time to die Humpty!” Horrifically screamed Smarty as he whipped out his nun chucks made from squirrel corpses.
“Let this be our final battle.” Proclaimed Humpty as he pulled out a long metal pole with a panda bear claw on each end. They fought for 666 days of non-stop brutality and horror, but finally it was over when Smarty took his squirrel chucks and drove them straight into Humpty’s eye sockets causing him to bleed to death as he fell to the ground. The Grim Reaper himself appeared to drag down to the dark fires of hell where only the most evil and vile of creatures go to parish and suffer for eternity. The Grim Reaper bent over and touched Humpty Dumpty on the forehead, and right when he did this, Humpty’s body exploded and his soul shot out of him and into the Reapers cloak. Then a fiery hole appeared on the ground and the Reaper was sucked into it. As the hole disappeared, Smarty had noticed that he had won the battle and that everything can go back to the way it was.
THE END